It's the first day of 2024 and it's my fifth New Year without my late husband, Mark. How has so much time gone by? How have I survived this long without him?
I've thought about writing about my experience for a couple of years. At first, I wasn't sure I had anything to say. I realize now that's not true. I'm finally ready to write about what the last years have been like for me. Everyone is different. No two people have the same experiences, but I hope that readers will find something to connect to in my story.
At the beginning of the calendar year, many people make resolutions or intentions for the new year. It's been my habit to pick a theme or word for the year for many years. A couple of years ago, I chose the word foundation and got it engraved on a bracelet so I could see it every day. I intended to build a foundation that year for a new life, figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, etc. What I got, however, was a hot water leak in my house's foundation which was costly and time-consuming. I didn't have hot water for almost a month. Needless to say, I've learned to be careful in choosing my theme word for the year.
This year, I've chosen the word transformation. I'm looking to transform my life into something new, a life I've been planning for many years. I want to spend much more of my time writing and publishing. I started writing ten years ago. I loved it, but I never published anything. Eventually, I let life take over my time and my creative thoughts and I didn't write anything for a few years. Last year, after being away for so long, I came back to writing and finished a project that I plan to publish this year.
The crazy thing is that I've already changed so much, that I wonder sometimes if Mark would recognize me. My hair is different, my clothes are a new style, and my outlook on the world is altered. I have no way of knowing if I would have made those changes if he were still here. Some changes are because he's not here. I don't see how it would be possible for me to be unchanged by having witnessed my beloved spouse take his last breath. Facing life alone is not what I had planned. It's been my reality, however, and I've been determined not to let it break me.
So, here's to a new year and more transformation in 2024!